My Heart Will Go On

I always think about traits I wish I could "give" my daughter. I know there will be certain things she inherits from me; probably my smart-assery and stubbornness for sure, but that's about all I can offer her.

So many people have told me that I'm a strong woman because of the things I have gone through, but little do any of you know.. I'm not that strong. I'm only human, and I break down.. More often than I care to admit actually. I'm scared about the future and I stress over the little things. But then again, who doesn't?

If there is anything that I could give K, it would be an unbreakable heart. I hope I can raise her to be stronger than I am. I want her to overcome her fears and reach her goals. I want her to love and be loved by everyone she encounters.
Every mother wants their child to succeed, but K has truly become my first and foremost goal in life. I want to raise her better than I was raised (no offense to my parents, of course).. I know I can accomplish this goal and I will be proud of K no matter where life takes her.

Dear God, thanks for this beautiful life, and forgive me if I don't love it enough.

K is hardcore walking and talking. Where did time go?
She can say the following words: mommy, puppy, pretty, jew (for juice, haha), hi, bye, bottle, and ni-ni (for night).

My daughter never ceases to amaze me with the things she learns on a daily basis. I always forget that she has so much more to learn about life, and I can only hope she lets me hold her hand through everything. Or almost everything. I know I can't hold her hand forever.. and I know that  won't be for quite a while, but I'm scared about her growing up.
I've already started thinking about transitioning her into Pull-Ups and working on potty training! Yikes! 

Then she'll be in school, and you know the rest of the story.

I love my baby girl. Every day brings a new adventure with her, and I'm prepared for whatever comes next!

He Didn't Have to Be

I had a friend ask me yesterday, "will you let K call someone else dad or let your "husband" adopt her?"

I had never taken it into too much consideration before, so I couldn't answer her as thoroughly as I would have liked.
Dating as a single mom is probably going to be one of the hardest things I have ever done. Sure, giving birth is up there, but that was only a day-long venture.

I'm sure I will eventually find "Mr. Right", but until I know someone is THE ONE, K will more than likely know him by his first name. What if he wants to be her father-figure or take an even bigger step and adopt her? How do you transition the word "daddy" into a toddler's vocabulary?

That scares the hell out of me.

My friend that initiated this conversation told me that I'm all K needs, which is true. But I don't intend on staying single the rest of my life. I'd like to eventually get married and have a couple more children. So that's basically what got me thinking more about this..
I don't want K to call my husband by his first name, and our other children call him "dad" or "daddy", etc.

I guess I don't have to worry about this now, but its going to be one of those things that will always be at the back of my mind until I settle into a good, healthy relationship.

These Are My Confessions

So, I've had a lot going on the past few weeks, and honestly.. I think I am finally ready to share my "story" with the world.

My daughter is my world. She always has been and always will be. No matter the circumstances.
I am the only biological parent in her life, and oddly, I'm okay with it.
I've had friend after friends tell me "get J for child support."
But why would I want someone to support a child they didn't want? How do you explain that to a young child? You can't sugar coat the words "your father doesn't want to be in your life, but he's giving you money." The hurt is still the same.

I haven't talked to too many people about J and I. There was never much to tell. We were friends, we had sex once, and I got pregnant. End of story.
When I took the first pregnancy test, I was disbelieving. I couldn't be pregnant. I was invincible.
So the next morning, I took my second test. Pregnant.
I took tests 3 and 4 when I went back to Missouri, after Christmas break. Then I finally went to the doctor on campus for an "official" test. Pregnant.

Wow, where do I go from here? I went and talked to J.
I told him, "I'm pregnant."
J said, "No, we have to fix this. I want it gone."
I started crying and left. So much for moral support, right?
He then text me, saying "get rid of it" and compared my BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER to a dog. He told me "this is a lost puppy that nobody wants. I sure as hell don't want it."

That next weekend, I went back home and broke the news to my parents. The reacted much better than I expected, but of course they were still upset.. I mean, how many parents wants their daughter to get pregnant before marriage? None, but they were supportive and told me that we could get through this and they would help me 110%.

I told J that I was keeping the baby. No ifs, ands, or buts about it.
He then asked me to consider adoption. Wrong again.
After I said the baby would be born into my care, he then said he would do anything and everything he could to get custody, and would find some way to get "it" from me.

Well, that worked out so well, since the last time he ever spoke to me was when I was 3 months pregnant.
I had gotten my first ultrasound, and sent him a text saying "do you want to see the ultrasound pictures?"
His reply was, "no."

I went through my second and third trimester basically alone. I had friends and family, of course, but it wasn't the same. K was born on September 7, 2010, and when I saw her face for the first time, the Earth stood still.
How could I already love someone so much that I would be willing to give my life just to keep her alive? It's almost impossible to explain to someone, unless they are a mother as well.

K is my world. My heart and soul. Without her, I wouldn't be who I am today.

She and I have had a rough past two weeks, and for those of you that know why, I appreciate you listening to me and giving me advice. I know there is someone out there that will place her and I in their life as a priority, and I'm looking forward to that day. Until then, I will enjoy every second with K.
We've made it through a year, and I can't wait to see what the future brings.

First Blog

I'm having a middle-of-the-day slump. I need a nap or caffeine..or both.

Today is an absolutely GORGEOUS day, and I would much rather be outside. Actually, I would much rather be anywhere else than at this desk. No offense to my job or anything, but I'm just not feeling it today.

K is walking mostly on her own, and I couldn't be more thrilled about it. Maybe she will motivate me to exercise and lose weight, etc.

This is it, for now. I just wanted to post a quick "hello" and voice some thoughts.
I have tasks at work to finish, as well as homework.
My motivation level is at 0.