Happy Hour

The past few weeks have been nothing but annoying. Irritating really. And I’m just sick and tired of it all.

There are quite a few things that have been bothering me. And I have decided to share with all of you my frustrations. It's mostly a venting type thing, because I don't want to unload all this on one of my friends, because they will probably get overwhelmed.

Here are a few things that I hate.

1. People expecting me to go out of my way for them, but won’t do anything in return for me. It’s a two-way street. Treat others the way you want to be treated. 

2. Working at my mother’s store for practically nothing. I work Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. Mon/Tues usually from 9 or 10 until 5. Thursday from 12-5. Why should I waste my time, sitting in here, day after day, when I could be working elsewhere and actually bringing home a pay check? Because it’s the nice daughter thing to do?

It’s nice that I can be in here with K, but that’s about it.

3. I’m not done remodeling my house. It’s been over a year since I started. I’m close, but not close enough that I can live there. Basically because my mother doesn’t have me as a priority on her list. She would rather fix up the P.O.S. trailer at Grandma’s farm for someone else, than help her own daughter. 

And she doesn’t want me working on the house by myself. Well, that’s cool. Glad I’m 22 and you can’t even trust me to paint or work on something by myself. Maybe you should hold my hand when I cross the street too.

4. People that have borrowed money from me, and have yet to pay me back..months later.

5. Feeling inadequate.

6. Being judged for spending money on myself.

7. Starting my 5th year of college, when all I want to do is be done now. This will be my final year, and I’m still not sure what I want to do with my life. That’s always cool, huh?

8. People that complain all the time. I’m sure your life isn’t as terrible as you make it seem.

9. People, friends especially, that have changed so much that you barely even recognize them anymore. I’m not talking about looks. Just personality.  It’s like..do I even know you?

10. Last, but not least, PEOPLE THAT IGNORE ME. If you don’t want to talk to me, then just say so. Say something like, “Sorry, I really don’t want to talk.” SIMPLE AS THAT.

I don’t care if this offends anyone, really. Because if it offends you, you’re probably one of the people that I’m bitching about. Sorry I'm not sorry. BUCK UP.

It's Thursday. I'm thirsty. If you want to join me, BYOB.

Keep on Dreaming..Even if it Breaks Your Heart

It's been quite a while since I've posted.. and a lot has gone on since then. If you're one of my closer friends, you'll know all the things that I'm referring to. If we aren't that close, then that's the reason you don't know.

Lately, I've been in a huge slump. I'm tired and exhausted all the time, no matter how much or how little I sleep. Nothing really interests me. I don't get "excited" over things that I used to. It sucks. It really does.

I'm burnt out on school. I have a little over a year left, until I'm finished with my BA degree in public administration, but there have been so many times I really just want to throw in the towel and call it quits. I have quite a few friends that keep pushing me to finish, because it's "only" a year. But that's an eternity away. I don't have the ambition anymore. I'd love to take a term off and focus on other things, but I know if I do that, I'll never go back.

Also I'm just sick of people. Not "people" in general, but there are plenty of people that get under my skin lately. Instead of naming names and getting into those specifics, I'll just tell you what kind of people bug the hell out of me..
1. People that tell me they're going to do something, but never do. (I.e. "hey, I'll call you later," but they never call.)
2. People that complain all the time. I really don't care about the b.s. that goes on in your life, you don't have to bitch about it daily on Facebook.
3. People that expect me to go out of my way for them, when I know they wouldn't do the same for me. I'm tired of bending over backwards for you, so don't expect me to continue to be that one person you can rely on..because I'm done.
4. People that expect me to put them before my daughter. NO ONE comes before my daughter, no matter the circumstances.
5. People that think poorly of me because my daughter's father is not in her life. You don't know me, so you have no room to judge me.
6. People that tell me to go after J for child support. Like I said above.. you don't know me, so don't judge me. I have my reasons for doing the things I do.
7. People that aren't forward with me or that have to sugar coat things. Just be straight up with me, I appreciate honesty more than a well-rehearsed lie. Do not underestimate my ability to find out the truth.
8. People that call/text me in the middle of the night when they're drunk. I don't need to get into any specifics with that, do I?

With that off my chest, I feel better. If you're any of the above people or think you might have done one of the above things, there's a good chance I really just don't like you. Get over it.

Have a great day. :)

My Heart Will Go On

I always think about traits I wish I could "give" my daughter. I know there will be certain things she inherits from me; probably my smart-assery and stubbornness for sure, but that's about all I can offer her.

So many people have told me that I'm a strong woman because of the things I have gone through, but little do any of you know.. I'm not that strong. I'm only human, and I break down.. More often than I care to admit actually. I'm scared about the future and I stress over the little things. But then again, who doesn't?

If there is anything that I could give K, it would be an unbreakable heart. I hope I can raise her to be stronger than I am. I want her to overcome her fears and reach her goals. I want her to love and be loved by everyone she encounters.
Every mother wants their child to succeed, but K has truly become my first and foremost goal in life. I want to raise her better than I was raised (no offense to my parents, of course).. I know I can accomplish this goal and I will be proud of K no matter where life takes her.

Dear God, thanks for this beautiful life, and forgive me if I don't love it enough.

K is hardcore walking and talking. Where did time go?
She can say the following words: mommy, puppy, pretty, jew (for juice, haha), hi, bye, bottle, and ni-ni (for night).

My daughter never ceases to amaze me with the things she learns on a daily basis. I always forget that she has so much more to learn about life, and I can only hope she lets me hold her hand through everything. Or almost everything. I know I can't hold her hand forever.. and I know that  won't be for quite a while, but I'm scared about her growing up.
I've already started thinking about transitioning her into Pull-Ups and working on potty training! Yikes! 

Then she'll be in school, and you know the rest of the story.

I love my baby girl. Every day brings a new adventure with her, and I'm prepared for whatever comes next!

He Didn't Have to Be

I had a friend ask me yesterday, "will you let K call someone else dad or let your "husband" adopt her?"

I had never taken it into too much consideration before, so I couldn't answer her as thoroughly as I would have liked.
Dating as a single mom is probably going to be one of the hardest things I have ever done. Sure, giving birth is up there, but that was only a day-long venture.

I'm sure I will eventually find "Mr. Right", but until I know someone is THE ONE, K will more than likely know him by his first name. What if he wants to be her father-figure or take an even bigger step and adopt her? How do you transition the word "daddy" into a toddler's vocabulary?

That scares the hell out of me.

My friend that initiated this conversation told me that I'm all K needs, which is true. But I don't intend on staying single the rest of my life. I'd like to eventually get married and have a couple more children. So that's basically what got me thinking more about this..
I don't want K to call my husband by his first name, and our other children call him "dad" or "daddy", etc.

I guess I don't have to worry about this now, but its going to be one of those things that will always be at the back of my mind until I settle into a good, healthy relationship.

These Are My Confessions

So, I've had a lot going on the past few weeks, and honestly.. I think I am finally ready to share my "story" with the world.

My daughter is my world. She always has been and always will be. No matter the circumstances.
I am the only biological parent in her life, and oddly, I'm okay with it.
I've had friend after friends tell me "get J for child support."
But why would I want someone to support a child they didn't want? How do you explain that to a young child? You can't sugar coat the words "your father doesn't want to be in your life, but he's giving you money." The hurt is still the same.

I haven't talked to too many people about J and I. There was never much to tell. We were friends, we had sex once, and I got pregnant. End of story.
When I took the first pregnancy test, I was disbelieving. I couldn't be pregnant. I was invincible.
So the next morning, I took my second test. Pregnant.
I took tests 3 and 4 when I went back to Missouri, after Christmas break. Then I finally went to the doctor on campus for an "official" test. Pregnant.

Wow, where do I go from here? I went and talked to J.
I told him, "I'm pregnant."
J said, "No, we have to fix this. I want it gone."
I started crying and left. So much for moral support, right?
He then text me, saying "get rid of it" and compared my BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER to a dog. He told me "this is a lost puppy that nobody wants. I sure as hell don't want it."

That next weekend, I went back home and broke the news to my parents. The reacted much better than I expected, but of course they were still upset.. I mean, how many parents wants their daughter to get pregnant before marriage? None, but they were supportive and told me that we could get through this and they would help me 110%.

I told J that I was keeping the baby. No ifs, ands, or buts about it.
He then asked me to consider adoption. Wrong again.
After I said the baby would be born into my care, he then said he would do anything and everything he could to get custody, and would find some way to get "it" from me.

Well, that worked out so well, since the last time he ever spoke to me was when I was 3 months pregnant.
I had gotten my first ultrasound, and sent him a text saying "do you want to see the ultrasound pictures?"
His reply was, "no."

I went through my second and third trimester basically alone. I had friends and family, of course, but it wasn't the same. K was born on September 7, 2010, and when I saw her face for the first time, the Earth stood still.
How could I already love someone so much that I would be willing to give my life just to keep her alive? It's almost impossible to explain to someone, unless they are a mother as well.

K is my world. My heart and soul. Without her, I wouldn't be who I am today.

She and I have had a rough past two weeks, and for those of you that know why, I appreciate you listening to me and giving me advice. I know there is someone out there that will place her and I in their life as a priority, and I'm looking forward to that day. Until then, I will enjoy every second with K.
We've made it through a year, and I can't wait to see what the future brings.

First Blog

I'm having a middle-of-the-day slump. I need a nap or caffeine..or both.

Today is an absolutely GORGEOUS day, and I would much rather be outside. Actually, I would much rather be anywhere else than at this desk. No offense to my job or anything, but I'm just not feeling it today.

K is walking mostly on her own, and I couldn't be more thrilled about it. Maybe she will motivate me to exercise and lose weight, etc.

This is it, for now. I just wanted to post a quick "hello" and voice some thoughts.
I have tasks at work to finish, as well as homework.
My motivation level is at 0.